Just casually popping my age in the title of a blog post. No Biggie.
Often people struggle to guess my age. I never know whether that is because I look younger or because I act like a dick. Regardless, here I am at 35, feeling a million miles away from the person I was at 25. Back then I would brush away the ‘you get more confident with age‘ comments because I thought I had hit my ceiling of confidence. I genuinely don’t know who that girl was or how she held down relationships or employment. (but she did) I much prefer who I am now and yes, for me that was just something that came with age. A maturity that I am going to live my life being this person and so I have to be friends with her. Does that sound crazy? Stay with me on this one. Let me explain by talking about what I have realised over the last 10 years. (From 0-25 I basically learnt that I couldn’t drink and boys were rubbish so I have fast forwarded to 25 to keep this post snappy)
I have spent many years trying to be a people pleaser. Apologising for myself, for my poorly timed dark sense of humour and even for my success. I had to learn to change the way I responded to people. For example if anyone said I had a nice house I would immediately list all the things that were shit about it because I thought that would make me more likeable. Just another way I was being sorry for being me. Now I just tell the dark joke, wear the leopard print on the school run and try not to second guess whether that makes me likeable or not because do we need EVERYONE to like us? It has taken some really great friends to encourage me to be like this and I wished I had listened to them sooner.
I have been a size 8 and I have been a size 12. I haven’t liked the way I looked at either size and I found both were difficult to dress in flattering ways. I would agonise over diets and I would be constantly comparing myself to others. Right now I wish I looked different but it isn’t consuming. IT ISNT CONSUMING ME. That is the biggest break through for me. I now know how to dress what I have. Hiding what I don’t like and shouting from the roof tops about what I do. Have I mentioned I like my hair before? You may have missed that one. But I love my hair. These days I am just so chilled out about my body that sometimes I stop and think should I be more worried about my tummy or my thighs that touch? But nah straight back to my share bag of Mint Aero’s.
Looking back at old relationships I think I was so unsure of myself that I needed my partner to make me who I am. That level of pressure must have been massive and ultimately I was always feeling let down. I wanted them to lift my confidence, make me secure and celebrate my achievements. I needed them to hold me up. They would all try (thanks lads circa 2008) but I think I may have been such a conflicting mess that they didn’t stand a chance. Outwardly super confident and even arrogant at times and then inwardly a constant dialogue of ‘do they like me‘ would spiral through my mind.
Si was a hard hitting culture shock. A man that didn’t buy into my needy ways. He has always been so black and white with things that there hasn’t been any room for me to act in this crazy way. I found it tough to begin with, even a little cold at times but now I know he has always been exactly what I needed. He gives me just enough support that I am secure but not too much so that I am strong in myself. It has meant I have grown happier in my own skin and decisions in the nearly 10 years we have been together. Soz about the PDA guys I totally should have put a disclaimer at the top of this post.
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