I have always been fairly absent of emotion when it comes to things like the boys starting school or nursery. That has been because I felt that each step has come at the right time for them and they have always been so happy about it. So it feels a little strange that I am finding the adjustment to them both being at school full time is taking a little slower than normal.
There are times when I look at Harbor and feel still completely astonished that such a large human is mine. He is 7 and yet I am not sure it has been 7 years since this motherhood journey began for me. It feels more like 2 years ago. Thanks to Botox it looks like it hasn’t been any time at all.
As with most schools the transition weeks have meant doing the school run 5766868 times a day so I don’t think I really noticed that I was childfree at any point. Just walking up and down the road carrying various P.E Kits and drinks bottles. So this week has been really strange. I have actually had chance to book in all the things I had been neglecting. Boiler service/Eye test/Eyebrow threading/accountant. I have been able to dedicate uninterrupted time to work and I am actually getting things done.
I am a ‘write a list and tick things off’ kinda girl. So I was expecting each day to make me feel great. Yet I am feeling a little lost. Does handing them over to school for 6 hours a day make me less important to them? I am less a mother now?
My Jumper & Other Stories Skirt Hush (old)
Trying to talk myself down from these feelings I decided that as soon as I pick them up I will be 110% fun mum. Having seemingly completely forgotten that actually at 3pm I don’t pick up my children but instead little mini Satan’s in desperate need of snack. My fear is that I will now end up putting even more pressure on our weekends being absolutely perfect. I do this already, as Si hardly sees the boys through the week due to travelling for work. (And there lies the reason we want to relocate). So failing us all skipping through apple orchards and drinking overly indulgent hot chocolates I am sensing I will feel like a failure.
I thought it might bring up the third child debate but I am not missing having a child around, I am missing having my boys around.
Harbor’s Shirt Joules Sonny’s Jumper Zara (old)
With there being absolutely nothing I can do about it, I have decided to throw myself into my work. The element of having more in my life than just the responsibilities of being a mother is really important to me. This blog has given me so much sense of worth. I hope having such a creative outlet will make me get over this weird slump of seeing both the boys off to school each day.
It is so funny that the boys have settled into starting school faster than I have adjusted to it!