Lets be honest friends, this post may get a little wanky in places. After all I am talking about myself again but I hope it makes you think about who you are online too.
I do feel like I live a double life. Trying to control what I put out online, spending time wondering how I am perceived. Only to then spend time wondering why I really care. I know that my personality isn’t for everyone and the wonderful thing about the internet is that people are more than happy to let you know which bits of you they don’t like. The funny thing about that is that after a few years of being present online, like ‘Hi I am Cara, let me overshare daily on Instagram’, I have started to notice the parts of me that people don’t warm to happen to be the parts of me I love the most.
Of course there are things I will never share. Parts of my childhood were difficult and have undoubtedly shaped who I am today and how I deal with certain situations. Being a strong believer that you are not defined by the bad things that happen to you. Instead you are defined by the good things that you do, I would rather leave some things in the past where they belong.
To sum me up in real life, I am blunt. I have a dark sense of humour. I don’t believe in telling my children that everything they do is wonderful. I believe in honesty, even when maybe its a little tough to hear. I am a flakey friend and useless at replying to text messages. I am defensive and often believe people don’t like me, but once you are in my life I will love you fiercely and without question. No matter how much I love you though, if you fall down I will laugh first before helping. Always.
Sounds appealing huh? Don’t all rush to be my friend at once guys.
Online I think before I type, watch before I upload. Always looking for the way I might offend. Though I am always amazed that people still find a way. For example I photographed a fetching sock/trainer combo with the caption ‘It’s called fashion Sharon’ – only for 6 DM’s from different Sharon’s who had taken offence to me using their name. That need to be liked always sits on my shoulder in everything that I do, (It is one of my biggest flaws.) so when I get messages like this it affects me. I wish it didn’t. I am sure I would seem cooler if it didn’t. (Caring what people think of you stops you turning into Katie Hopkins I hear and for that reason I am happy for it to stay.)
So have I been lying to you all? Of course not, I am still me, just the version of me you get after only meeting me twice. The version that will try to drop in a Frankie Boyle joke – just to test the water. I am the girl who tries to reply to every DM fully, even when I am drowning in messages because I don’t want to seem like a twat. I am the girl who doesn’t tell someone they’re are being a dick when there is no doubt in my mind that they are. I am probably the better version of me online. Though it is far too exhausting to be that girl all the time.
I will never know how I am perceived online but I hope I come across as a mother trying her best, a women who supports others and someone who is willing to crack a joke even when the shit hits the fan. If I don’t then thats ok too because I know I am those all things.
I do think it is important to be slightly different online. Not to give all of you to the world. There is something special about knowing someone in real life. You work at it, spend time listening and understanding someone. Don’t just give that out to strangers, keep a slice just for the ones who are willing to put up with your shit.