I feel a little bit like I have lost my way recently and I guess I want to apologise for that. There is this part of my personality that loves to over analysis and it has got the better of me. As a result I have been sat staring at my laptop for the last hour wondering what do I actually have to say and is any of it worth saying? I have also been guilty of comparing myself to others recently and its had a funny effect on everything.
Its easy to cross the line between admiration for what others do and wishing what you do you was better. Wishing I was better at taking photos, better at getting out of the house to cool coffee shops and better at being ok feeling freezing cold in the snazziest bell sleeve shirt. Wishing I had a much more interesting life and then hitting this massive mum guilt wall that Im not being good enough for my children.
I had a shouty night last night at the boys. They were play fighting and taking it in turns to tell tales on each other and despite me trying to defuse and mediate the situation calmly, it ended with me shouting and sending them into separate rooms while I took the time to regain my shit. I used to be a lot better at dealing with stressful situations but a few things recently have tipped me out of kilter.
We are still in the process of having the mini extension finished in the kitchen which most days means I cant leave the house. I also cant relax in the house due to there being lovely workmen around and because its freezing cold with the doors open. There is dust everywhere and not being able to use half the kitchen actually makes life so difficult.
Sonny has began is potty training journey fully this week and last. This has been all kinds of success but he is so nervous of having an accident that he asks for the toilet every twenty mins. (Not an exaggeration) Meaning Im having 15 minute intervals to achieve anything at all.
So a combination of these two things and me feeling inadequate has meant I’ve been a little less myself over on Instagram and here on the blog. Its actually very hard to just be yourself and much easier to be what you think people want you to be. The problem with not being yourself is it isn’t any fun for anyone and its made me feel a bit lost.
But it is definitely true what they say about tomorrow being a new day as I have woken up to a much needed priority shift. I need to dedicate more time to the boys and not beat myself up too much when work days don’t go to plan. Today we have scooted to school, baked cakes and glued teeny bits of cardboard to the dining room table. Normal service has been resumed.
(When I took Sonny along to the local newspaper to do a Facebook live and he caused all the chaos that only a three year old can.)
I definitely need to live more in the moment and embrace the amazing things that happen even in this dusty mess Im currently living in and maybe even just photograph that and put it out there. It definitely won’t be Pinterest worthy but neither am I.
I am thankful that my boys have been so understanding about my work commitments and so sorry that they have had to be all at the same time. We are going to get back to life being an adventure from this moment onwards and absolutely stop comparing our life to others.