With 2016 coming to a close I, albeit rather indulgently, thought it might be nice to do some explaining and ranting. The idea being that I can enter 2017 positively.
This Christmas break has been a challenging one for me. Too much sugar and time to think has only aided the self doubt. So when I set myself the goal of making blogging a career I knew that it would be a rocky road. (Cheeky pun there) When being yourself becomes your job where does that leave you. How do you have a day off? How will your appraisals go; Personality needs improvement but hit all targets for good shoes seems likely.
It inevitably changes you. I find I am being even tougher on myself. How do people perceive me? Do people like me? (answers on a postcard). How do you keep strong in being yourself when there will always be people running you down.
It has been my experience that people have often laughed at me for using Instagram too much and Ive been the subject of numerous eye rolls over taking too many photographs. What I do is very public. Strangers come up to me and ask if my son is feeling better now or where did I buy my hat in my latest Instagram picture. It feels surreal but so comforting to know that people are kind enough to be interested in what I do. Especially as I am very much the girl next door, living very similar lives to everybody else.
I often get asked about how I started blogging or how I gained Instagram followers. Firstly let me say No I didn’t buy my followers. The answer is I have just been myself. Which hasn’t always gone down well for me, because without time to get to know me I am easily misunderstood and generally piss people off. I think I have a naivety. I am not here to be controversial, I’m not here to change the perception of mothers. In my early days of blogging I got a lot of people writing to me thanking me for admitting that some days of being a mother is awful and that actually its okay to say, no I haven’t enjoyed repeatedly acting like I couldn’t find my toddler ,who has covered only their head in a game of hide and seek. Also on the flip side I have had people write to me telling me I should be ashamed of myself for writing these things and what will my children think of me when they are older. I’m not going to lie there have been times where I have felt very low and wanted to delete all my social media. Times when I’ve wanted to speak my mind but bit my lip.
I don’t often get angry but when I annoy people because I moan about things that ultimately I should be grateful for, it drives me mad. I think this is ridiculous. Do these people think you can’t moan about having flu because there is someone out there with cancer? Our own struggles shouldn’t be crushed by these ‘perspective chasers’ because thats when people keep demons in their head telling themselves they have no right to be upset and as a result never deal with their problems.
I am actually more likely to moan about the shade of grey in my living room not being right rather than my biological father not wanting anything to do with me. I have had a fairly tough upbringing, its not something I would blog about because it isn’t fair to talk about other people publicly. Yet sometimes I sit with gritted teeth when I’m labelled ‘a princess.’
So why do it? Why put yourself out there?
I am trying to become better at self acceptance. This is something I want to do and I have to accept other people opinions even if they are not constructive because that is life. I have always had a suck it and see mentality. So I’m here giving it a go. I have days when I do wonder if putting the boys on social media is acceptable. Less so because of the dangers and more so because they aren’t old enough to give me an informed decision about whether this is something they want. For now I am ok with it because the boys are happy and secure.
So no more moaning. positivity from here on in and a new Mantra to clear the negative people from my life. Hello 2017 I like your style.