The school checklist they don’t tell you about. 

If your little one starts school this September then I have penned some ‘must knows’ because I went in like a small baby whale outside sea world and I wouldnt want you to get caught in the same net as me.

If there is a parent who has an older child at the school make them your best friend. They know the dodgy teachers, they get the memos about non uniform day that you knew nothing about. They have all the playground gossip. Beware though as this friendship comes with a price. You may be alienated from all the other ‘lost in the wilderness’ mums who have formed a little survival gang that has no room for the ‘been there done thats’ for me however it was better odds to make one friend  successfully rather than a whole bunch of friends successfully.

The naughty child

Luckily, so far this hasn’t been my child. When the teachers set the children free sometimes they come out to have a little chat with the parents. This is what I have affectionately named the parentfail patrol (bit like paw patrol – just so you can see where my influences are coming from) I refuse to make eye contact when the teachers head out and it’s always a massive sigh of relief when it’s not me.

Wetting themselves 

Yes they are 100% toilet trained by the time they start school but expect accidents. I really didn’t see it coming but Harbor wet himself twice and even pooed himself and swindled a half day out of it. Hero.

The competition

I’m just gonna put this out there. My kid was Joseph in the school nativity play. So nuff said really.

The lost clothes

It’ll surprise you. Even the pants go missing never to be seen again. Harbor lost all his jumpers (the expensive embroidered ones) then one day he came home with someone else’s and I just thought fuck it I’m claiming that.

The fancy dress

Thankfully Harbors school didn’t do world book day so that meant it was just the FIVE fancy dress costumes (knight, King, pirate, road safety colours and Halloween) I’m sure Ann Summers sponsor schools to do this so when the kids grow up fancy dress is their kink.

Unfortunately for me no one gets my humour. I once said that when they’re all dressed the same it’s hard to work out which one is mine and this was very poorly received. This should indicate just how serious everyone’s life is for the mums at Harbors school.

We are about to embark on our journey into year one so let’s see what hilarity that holds!

Cara X



  1. August 6, 2016 / 6:32 am

    This has had me in stitches! I can relate to so much of this. (Love your humour) My boy attends a small village school he is still only in the preschool section but the playground parents (JF’s – Judgemental F**kwits) are my worst nightmare! Xx

  2. August 6, 2016 / 9:27 am

    Love your post. Just wait, it gets worse the older they get, “are you seriously telling me you child hasn’t read Ulysses by the age of 7!” (Slight exaggeration granted) hang in there Cara & claim your playground turf lol!

  3. Danielle Lawrence
    August 8, 2016 / 12:27 pm

    Mine has just finished his 7 years of Primary School and for the first 6 (as a FT working mum who never did school runs except ‘special’ occasions – (first day of the year, sports day, nativity – you get the idea) I dreaded the Playground Mafia (the parents that read all the letters, and looked on judgementally when he turned up without a packed lunch on a forgotten school trip day (twice) and wore the same fantastic Mr Fox mask 5 years running on Roald Dahl Day) – however in the last year I attended more of the events – with it being the ‘last’ everything – and I made the alarming discovery that actual 90% of the parents were also quite normal and in most cases really quite nice – who knew?! stick with it as I wish I had found out earlier, it would have made life a little better for both me and him (A few of them confided that until year 3 they thought his Grandmother was actually his mum – imagine the whisperings when I finally made an appearance – oh the shame!!) 🙂

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