Today I put on a bikini for the first time in probably a year and it got me thinking about body confidence.
I have been very unhappy with how I look for a long time. Always the first to put in a fat joke, saying sorry to my husband should my belly hang out when we are lay in bed and feeling so anxious every morning because clothes just don’t look right on me anymore.
Weight loss and exercise seemed like the only option to feel better. However today I have been thinking about how I felt when I was slimmer, when I didn’t have stretch marks and looked so tired all the time. I was just as insecure then. So I guess what needs to happen is I need to be kinder to myself, infact only last night Si said ‘why do you beat yourself up all the time’ which made me feel better and then I watched TOWIE and text my friends in despair.
The trouble is I’m not fat, I’m just a horrible shape. So I look at curvy women and envy their bodies. I’m sat somewhere between skinny and lumpy.
So how do you become happy with the body that you have?
1. Stop the fat talk.
Maybe as part of the need to be liked I run myself down. If anyone has anything nice to say then I respond with ‘yeah but look at my thighs’ (not in every situation, if they are complimenting my new armchair I don’t say it.) Its part of the ‘I don’t want you to think I love myself’ thing but it has got so out of hand I struggle to see any worth in myself sometimes.
2. Focus on the non physical good.
Yes I’m unhappy with my body. Is that enough to ruin my personality too? Then what will be left? I suspect Vanessa Feltz. (I don’t hate Feltzy but sometimes she just makes my point for me) Sometimes I can sense that how I feel about my body is affecting my mood and then that of the boys. What a fucking ridiculous example that is to be setting them.
Don’t get me started on this one. I’m so bad for it. Especially with other mums. I look at them and think ‘shit having kids isn’t an excuse after all’ and also WHO are these people that love exercise? How much of it do you have to do to start loving it? I’m guessing it’s the same as drinking. You have to train yourself to like gin or red wine yet somehow it doesn’t seem like such a chore.
4. Allocate self hate time.
This sounds crazy. I self hate in big chunks about three times a day. (It tends to coincide with meal times) I think I would benefit from a Monday morning self hate 10minutes and then absolutely ban any self hate talk and thoughts after that.
5. Be your own best friend.
Don’t think or talk about yourself any differently than how you would to your best friend. Look after yourself a little more.
I have written this lay in my bikini and already I feel better. This is the body I have.