I was a 16 year old that was desperate to be unique. When the other girls were having sex and wearing heels I was wearing Doc Martins and and hiding under tables to avoid the sixth formers asking me out. (True story, he eventually found me and I said yes. Until he dedicated a song to me in assembly and then played his guitar like he was masterbating furiously and I thought ‘this guys gotta go’)
I guess I was the kind of confused where you think you know exactly who you are, In my case arty, eccentric and moody but really just desperate to be liked and for someone to show me what the right choices were.
So after a visit to the careers advisor she decided that I should study Media at college. (I think she took one look at my shoes and thought I’d fit in there)
So I studied media, film and photography and then went to uni to study media again. Where I dropped out because no one really liked me.
Then I started working part time at a wine shop and within months and at the baby age of 19 was made manager. This started my manager journey of about 10 years. I’m conscious this post shouldn’t be a CV so I’ll skip to the now and to the point.
I’ve never known what I should be. I’ve never had an obvious talent and now I feel unfulfilled. I have fallen into the trap of thinking other people’s lives are so much better than my own. I look at these mothers, with the perfect house, perfect children AND career and feel like a bit of a failure.
I don’t really like my job. I hate the stigma that you are uneducated if you are a carer and honestly I do feel embarrassed telling people what I do. Which is crazy because I know I help people and that’s an amazing thing.
So I guess I’m still that 16 year old who just wants to be liked and who just wants someone to tell me what the right choices are. Except with age I’ve learnt to not respond well to advice. So now I’m sat here both defensive and giving you the puppy dog eyes all at once. What a time to be alive.